Three Years Neglected But Not Forgotton

I know I do not write much and some days I wish I did because I let it build up for so long and now it will just come out. It will now come out in words that have been written in tears, in smiles, with grit teeth, deep breaths, and even steaming ears I will take you back three years to a point just prior to picking up my life and moving here to Colorado, and the journey, adventure, nightmare that brought me today. It was not a hard decision to come here, I mean with things like snowboarding, hiking , camping, and mountains all would have been enough. Then you add distance from the Midwest and some space from family (just being out of the same house), even this would have been good. Then you throw in a desire to be a part of a community that really wanted to love people, a community focused on the trinity, a church not centered around a building, denomination, or rigid structure with the opportunity to do it, and you rent a moving truck and leave. Though not everyone was behind this community, some thought it was a cult, some just wanted me stay, it was not for others, and the rest just could not quite put there finger on it. All in all I still came and three years later, do not regret this move, or the life I have today, life that is both really happy and really sad at the same time almost all the time. This is an account from my perspective and feelings and all that I have to give. This will not recount every moment, just a flow of my life over the last three years.

It all started as to be expected, 12 or so moved out here in what we called was the First Wave. We settled in, the weather was great, I picked up a coffee house gig to pay the bills, as I had done in the past. The "storyteller" as I will call him and I lived in what would be known as the Radius house the central place for all things community, everything went on there. The rent was cheap, the house turned out to be cheaper, and the landlord turned out to be comatose and non existent (A little too much drugs from the seventies!). That first year the storyteller led everything and began lay the bricks for this community, he counseled everyone, led the Small groups, taught us in an eloquent open forum manner that I had become accustomed to over the previous year. The last year and during this year I had never seen God more clear and had really begun to get in touch with myself, my past, present and future. It was all a honeymoon for awhile, everyone seemed to get a long, at the endless trips to the park, the BBQ's, and the smiles. We spent a lot time learning about each other, the values of why we had all come, and a lot of reflection on self. We had come out here from transformation, but also to grow a community that was about transformation, but there was no one new to be found, and more and more I felt a lone. I tried t bring it to peoples attention, but was told it was what I was choosing to be, that kept people from me, or that the people i wanted to be close to were just too hard to get to know. I was giving guidance on how to change, how to grow closer to God and how that would change my reality, but instead of getting better it only got worse. By Christmas i was asked to be out of my own home because someone did not want to be responsible for me and my loneliness and needed space for his family, one that I was not considered part. At that time i thought it was acceptable but as I look back I realize how much pain it caused and how thoughtless it was. During this year I also grew wild, and tested the waters or experience and freedom that things that I had not before. I made poor choices that drove me to my knees and begged God to change me, make me likeable, just let one person be a real friend to me. He was there but others continued to disappear, it was too hard to call those at home, and those hear seemed to treat me like i was plagued, and all I could believe was that it was my fault, I was driving them all away. That is what storyteller told me at least time and time again, and that God was trying to get me to my place of deepest fear, being alone!!! So I trusted and believed that this is what i needed. I as now well into my second job and still very unhappy. During the remainder of that year the storyteller just picked up moved into his own place, no one used the house for community anymore, a few more people joined, and two that i had come to love picked up and left. I was alone, confused, scared, and yet still seemed to trust that I was in the right place. That this community was the answer even though no one seemed to accept me outside of assigned time. People continued to say they cared, but acted completely different. I just pressed on and trusted God was in it and the storyteller who was speaking into my life. I was learning more about me through reflection and listening to a few i trusted so I believed something would change. So again I quit my job for another and moved in with 2 new members of the community.

Year two begins with some good things in the closest three people in my life moving here, and some scary things in both my roommates saying they wanted to leave the same night they got here. Boy were they right!!! Year two was much like the first, in that we grew from people not from CO that we had previous relations with, we continued to abandon things that would cause growth in the community becoming almost closed off to outsiders, more people began questioning whether or not this place was doing anything remotely involving community, and the storyteller kept telling his stories both to the group and to individuals. Stories that had beautiful meanings of hope and the trinity's love. More leadership was brought in and a circle was supposedly developed, but truth be told when the majority is controlled by one no mater what the minority will not be heard, and one retains control. Yet people seemed to grow more lonely and isolated. Yes there were good moments here and there, but today I think there were just things to hold to. People from the outside were still skeptical and more inside began to grow weary. I moved in with a Friend about half way through the year to get a change a pace and save a buck, also allowed me to put the community some distance between myself and the community where i felt like a fly on the wall, and was only present to things I had committed too. As the year progressed things began to unravel and eventually came to a pause. "Too much pain", "We need to reevaluate", " We are going to take a break" were things said by a few and the decision was made without every voice in the room. A few Weeks later meetings were had still controlled by a few, and others hopelessly tried to help, but decisions were final before anyone even showed up. In a moment it was all done. At first it was like a glass tossed to the floor and shards of people went everywhere. The last words heard from the other was "Your friends are causing the pain" if that person only realized those friends were in so much pain themselves.

Year three is a much different story at points more sad than being manipulated for two years, and exciting because I realize the people that really care and matter to me. Over time a remnant of those from before came together once again and began the healing process that still goes on today. I started yet a fourth and a fifth job since moving here and moved a to my forth place. I believe and trust God more than I did before leaving Chicago, but I also fight him more as well, not to mention express my frustrations with the way things have gone. Year three brings sadness of those I love just disappearing without word or notice, immaturity of grown adults that cannot communicate period, having my core character questioned by one I cared about and more. It also brings about the happiness of new beginnings, family dinners, more snowboarding, a lot of backpacking and camping, and some great memories. (don't ever forget the robe). I have not found a ministry to be a part of but I am looking, I have learned a ton about me and how I function and what i need, and I look forward to the next day. Oh yeah lets not forget snowstorms that made me cry, two great trips home to Chicago, and actually living alone.

Today as I look back I write this series of run ons, misspellings, just straight thought because that is who I am constantly going and changing, and yes still have not shut up. I do spend more time in quiet than I ever have, and find that I can enjoy it and not fear it. Yes, I still believe in the reason I came out here TO LOVE OTHERS AS I HAVE BEEN LOVED BY THE TRINITY and continue to grow and learn on this path. The ministry that I came to be apart of for lack of a better word is and was a CULT (Mr Tofilon you hot the nail on the head), led by a Narcissistic leader(The Storyteller) who manipulated mine and many others' thinking for far too long, and it makes me sad to see all the chaos it has caused and the relationships that it hurt. I am sorry for those that I may even have caused pain to through this. I am grateful for everyone of you that considers me a real friend, and has shown me friendship in the past, because i realized first hand what is was like to be without them for awhile, wondering if i would ever have a friend again. I do not regret my decision to move here, because this place is good for my overall development, growth, and soul care. I need the mountains and the activities they offer as they draw ME closer to God. I have a career now that i want to dedicate myself to, and could see myself being in for a long time. I believe in a big God with a big heart more than I ever have, even when its hard. the past three years my heart and soul have been damaged, and I have cried, been angry and yelled, and even laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. I have smiled, played, loved, and experience adventure too. I have areas where i am jaded, some where I am still niaeve, and many more where I just take it as it comes. I am less stressed about things especially the future, but I still get bummed out and overly excited for things too. There is so much here and I am excited for the continued adventure. To close I have some things to say to people from the last three years and I hope some people will read and think about, some of these things are from my pain, some from confusion, some from sadness, and some from love. This story is long and drawn out

To:
God-Thank you for continually being here and pushing even when it was not so clear or me so trusting.
Mom/Dad-Thanks for continued support and for letting me have wings.
Jenny(the sister)- I am sorry we are not closer and on a continued path together.
Sara- thanks for being the one true and real constant in my life, for loving me, adopting me, being my family here, giving me time with Hayden who is my guiding light most days and a reason to smile. I want this friendship for eternity.....
Dave- for being a brother, asking good questions, guiding me me always, getting my finances in order, and like Sara a constant in my life.
Kegs-for being the twin I lost so young, making me laugh, butting heads and always coming back to love, for never holding back the tears because you trust me. You are so loved.
ConsultNet-for being a place I can call home, an making me part of a working team like I have never experienced, I hope it lasts forever.
Jimmy- for opening your home to me for a year and continually building into my business knowledge and approach to work.
Eric- I so miss our talks and times together, I am so excited to see where your adventure goes
Sheps- I miss you guys everyday, I am confused as to why I cannot get at least a note explaining your choices. I am disappointed in how things have gone, and I still love regardless. Hope to hear word soon.....
Jen P- I know things were hard and I still love you and miss our times together
Sharon- I hope things are good, I know I will hear from you
Maria D- I desire to know you better and i wish we could do more than talk about being friends, and it hurts to be in a room with you and have to feel distant.
Bry, Jen, Keith, Jeff, Chris, Erin, (many others over time)- I miss you guys so much and having such great friends around at a moments notice. them memories we shared will last me forever.
Preston, Rett, Matt- Thank you for including me into your world. I look forward to the memories down the road.
Maria G- I guess every Friday morning did not mean as much to you as it did to me.
Mark-I wanted to be friends with you more than you will ever know
Rhea-All you had to do was fight
Beth- Thanks for mountain club and backpacking school I hope to see you in the hills again.
Luke, Sherelee, Jim- I am sorry we were not closer before all the shit hit the fan.
Wendy- you asked me if I wanted God or Friends more--- I believe I can have both and do have both, I just wanted real friends when you asked and not the so called friends I was doing life with
Russell/Sammi- I am glad that life is going well and its nice to see you smile. Thanks for always listening
Angie H- I love you for sharing life and your home with me, I so badly wish it could have ended better. I am sorry for any pain I caused
Nick- Oh Nick. I trusted you with my life and soul care and you took advantage of that trust, you manipulated me, pretended to care, and most of all abused me emotionally and relationally. You hurt people I love very badly ! And then you sat back like everything was ok and someone elses fault. You are to blame for what happened and I wish I would have stood up to you stronger and sooner I cannot get those 2 years back. I hope you can find your way again.
Vivian- What happened?
The Rest of Radius- Well you said a whole two words to me when you had the opportunity, so I don't really have much.

These are the things that need to be said now! There are many people from the three years not up there and like I said if I wrote it all (which I might) it would take more than a night an blog posting needs to be. if you want more of the story or have question please ask, I would be happy to tell you. Love and Pain for me seem to be two sides of the same coin, and all of it needed to have the total of experience that I have had.
Thanks for reading......
-J